Supercrone’s Weblog

Outrageous Observations of a Wicked Old Broad

Archive for the tag “sex”

HUGE SUCCESS!!

Unless there’s something better than Number One, the five-day free download promotion of NOW THAT YOU’VE GOT ME HERE, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? was an unqualified success!  I want to thank everyone who helped put it there and hope you enjoy reading it!

One more favor:  please write a review on Amazon.  I mean, it’s nice that so many people got it free, but a few actual sales would be even nicer,  and reviews help sell books, as we all know.  So express your opinion…think of how many readers YOU’LL have!

Thanks again to all who downloaded the book and to all those who soon will.

SEX! FREE!! YOUR TWO FAVORITE WORDS, TOGETHER AT LAST!

YesImage, it’s true. Starting on May 21st and running for five days, through the 25th, you’ll be able to download my famous, much-quoted bestselling sex manual, “NOW THAT YOU’VE GOT ME HERE, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?” free to your Kindle. No strings, no cost, nothing but a great read, chock full of hot tips, information for both sexes, even stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know about your favorite pastime.

 

Ladies, do you know how to cause an erection from across the room? Guys, do you know the one action that guarantees acquiescence? Do either of you know how to increase the longevity and pleasure of an orgasm? These and dozens of other questions are answered in entertaining detail in this timeless tome.

 

In the words of one critic: “(The book is) rich in detail, explicit, anecdotal…a provocative, intelligent and lively exploration of every nuance (of erotic activity) between the sexes…”

 

You know you’ve always wanted to read it. And now you can, and it won’t even cost the price of a stamp! Remember: FREE download May 21-25. Mark your calendars, tell your friends and, most especially, make sure your lover reads it! I promise, you’ll both thank me.

 

ATTENTION KINDLERS!

As of today, NOW THAT YOU’VE GOT ME HERE, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?, A Non-marriage Manual, is available from the Kindle lending library for free.  Three other titles are also e-vailable from Amazon, B&N and everyplace else that sells books, either paper or electronic.  So run, do not walk, to your nearest e-reader and download away!  And while you’re at it, you might be inclined to write a review for the old broad.  M’kay?

SEX!

The following first appeared at Blogster.com, shortly after my 80th birthday. I republished it on Gather.com on my 81st. Now, several months after the 82nd anniversary of my birth, here it is again, at…um… what’s this place… iron out your thoughts? Mangle your sentences? Something like that….so, anyhow:

 

Now that I have your attention, what I really want to talk about is…. sex. I’ve discovered that, contrary to popular opinion, the carnal urge does not decrease with age. Even after a quad bypass, raging emphysema, sags and wrinkles where once there were lithe curves, I’m as lustful now as I was forty years ago.

Back then, men were as numerous as New York taxis and as easy to catch. As soon as one ride was over, there was always another waiting to pick me up, flag up and engine revving. It never occurred to me that they would one day stop running and slow down to a tottering walk.

Not that I couldn’t still nail some old geezer with the aid of a Viagra cocktail or two, but the very thought of touching one of those saggy bags of bones makes me gag. The fact is, no matter how old I get, prime man is still prime man (35-45) and he is the one who still catches my eye and jolts my libido. In other words, despite the depredations time has inflicted upon my corporeal body, the hot twenty-something girl who resides between my ears still rules my loins.

Unfortunately, the men who attract my attention don’t see her. What they see is just another anonymous old lady among the thousands of others who reside in America’s penis. If they do happen to glance my way, they either ignore me completely or ask if they can help me across the street, neither of which option is very satisfying. Evidently, drooling with desire is easily mistaken for drooling with senility.


I keep musing about “Harold and Maude”, deeply envious of the Ruth Gordon character, fully grasping the not-so-subtle subtext of the film. Unfortunately, the chances of finding my Harold are severely limited. I can’t exactly drive my scooter backwards down the street, trolling for boys, or even play grab-ass with the bag boy at Publix without fear of arrest. And even if I were lucky enough to find some hot kid with an unlimited sense of adventure, how could I expect him to undergo the trauma of finding himself on top of a dead lady, regardless of the smile on her face?


I used to think I wanted to die by being shot by a jealous wife, but now I think I just want to be screwed to death. Imagine the wonder of coming and going simultaneously! Sadly, I’m afraid I’ll never know. I’ve finally come to accept the fact that of all the aches, pains, losses and disappointments that accompany the aging process, knowing that I’ll never again feel a hard young body grinding against mine is the most difficult to accept.


So I gave myself a birthday present. I went to the dildo store, bought a lovely little device called a rabbit and named it “Harold”.

Wish me luck.

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