A NEW NON-SECTARIAN SECT FOR NON-BELIEVERS
Anyone who has ever met me knows I am rabidly anti-religion. Believing in the unbelievable, taking preposterous notions “on faith”, insisting that books written by people actually contain the words of some supernatural entity, are all anathema to me. The dogma and precepts of any organized religion strike me as both hilariously silly and dangerously evil. Eight-plus decades of questioning, thousands of days spent poring over “holy” books, infinite hours of introspection and reasoned thought have brought me to the conclusion that every religion, without exception, is an exercise in self-deception. The idea of an anthropomorphic entity existing somewhere “out there” who is responsible to and for the organisms that inhabit this tiny speck of space detritus is simply too juvenile to consider seriously. It is truly incomprehensible to me that anyone past the age of five actually buys into the myths and folk tales that comprise every known religion. And yet, the planet is overrun with deluded humans, determined to brainwash each other into accepting every outlandish tenet they can invent to answer the unanswerable questions put forth by a terrified life form that calls itself “mankind”.
Please understand that I am an equal opportunity scoffer; I hold no more breach for Islam, Judaism, Hinduism or any other ‘ism than I do for Christianity, so I don’t want to be gang-prayed by ANY of you. Of course, if you’re so consumed with self-righteous zeal that you can’t restrain yourselves, have at it. I won’t delete your comments, but be prepared to be mercilessly mocked.
My reasoned rejection of all manmade deities has caused a minor quandary, in that I have been unable to attach an acceptable label to my lack of “faith”. When pressed, I call myself an atheist, but this appellation has acquired so many negative connotations, piled upon it by the piously judgmental, self-righteous, god worshiping/fearing populace, I hesitate to use it without fear of trampling.
So, I have taken it upon myself to create a new religion. Its precepts are simple: we do not believe in the actual existence of any mythical creatures, including but not limited to:
1) The tooth fairy
2) The Easter bunny
3) Santa Claus
6) Honest politicians
We do believe in reason, proven theories and our own senses and sensibilities. We know the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, morality and venality and we opt for open minds and open hearts. We take nothing at face value, but insist on finding our own answers to all the Important Questions. We do not pray for guidance; we look at a map. We do not ask an invisible father figure for help; we solve our own problems. We do not live in hope or fear of an afterlife; we make the best use of the matter and energy that comprise us today. We do not erect ornate edifices to honor invisible deities; we build shelters for humans. We do not pay clergymen ten percent of our earnings to read us folk tales; we fund education. We know we are not sheep, herded by an unseen shepherd; we are individuals, each with his own mind, self-determined and self-actualized.
And now, because this is the time of year to dispose of old ideas and to usher in fresh beginnings, I present to you a brand new non-belief system. As the Founder and preeminent member, I have taken it upon myself to give it an eponymous name and invite all self-declared atheists to adopt the new nomenclature. Henceforth, all like-minded anti-religionists shall be known as