Supercrone’s Weblog

Outrageous Observations of a Wicked Old Broad

SEX!

The following first appeared at Blogster.com, shortly after my 80th birthday. I republished it on Gather.com on my 81st. Now, several months after the 82nd anniversary of my birth, here it is again, at…um… what’s this place… iron out your thoughts? Mangle your sentences? Something like that….so, anyhow:

 

Now that I have your attention, what I really want to talk about is…. sex. I’ve discovered that, contrary to popular opinion, the carnal urge does not decrease with age. Even after a quad bypass, raging emphysema, sags and wrinkles where once there were lithe curves, I’m as lustful now as I was forty years ago.

Back then, men were as numerous as New York taxis and as easy to catch. As soon as one ride was over, there was always another waiting to pick me up, flag up and engine revving. It never occurred to me that they would one day stop running and slow down to a tottering walk.

Not that I couldn’t still nail some old geezer with the aid of a Viagra cocktail or two, but the very thought of touching one of those saggy bags of bones makes me gag. The fact is, no matter how old I get, prime man is still prime man (35-45) and he is the one who still catches my eye and jolts my libido. In other words, despite the depredations time has inflicted upon my corporeal body, the hot twenty-something girl who resides between my ears still rules my loins.

Unfortunately, the men who attract my attention don’t see her. What they see is just another anonymous old lady among the thousands of others who reside in America’s penis. If they do happen to glance my way, they either ignore me completely or ask if they can help me across the street, neither of which option is very satisfying. Evidently, drooling with desire is easily mistaken for drooling with senility.


I keep musing about “Harold and Maude”, deeply envious of the Ruth Gordon character, fully grasping the not-so-subtle subtext of the film. Unfortunately, the chances of finding my Harold are severely limited. I can’t exactly drive my scooter backwards down the street, trolling for boys, or even play grab-ass with the bag boy at Publix without fear of arrest. And even if I were lucky enough to find some hot kid with an unlimited sense of adventure, how could I expect him to undergo the trauma of finding himself on top of a dead lady, regardless of the smile on her face?


I used to think I wanted to die by being shot by a jealous wife, but now I think I just want to be screwed to death. Imagine the wonder of coming and going simultaneously! Sadly, I’m afraid I’ll never know. I’ve finally come to accept the fact that of all the aches, pains, losses and disappointments that accompany the aging process, knowing that I’ll never again feel a hard young body grinding against mine is the most difficult to accept.


So I gave myself a birthday present. I went to the dildo store, bought a lovely little device called a rabbit and named it “Harold”.

Wish me luck.

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32 thoughts on “SEX!

  1. I am so happy to be the first to comment on a post entitled SEX! (It’s wurdz btw in my wordpress alter ego).

    I recently went on a masturbation sabbatical. It was unsuccessful. It lasted less than a week.

  2. tigereye on said:

    If you don’t get a thousand hits with the title “Sex!,” we all might as well give up and go home.
    Welcome to the neighborhood!

  3. Oh, so you’re the onewho stole my share of libido…

    I swear I have the libido of a 105 year old woman.

    Welcome to language ironer!

  4. Hey HI!

    I’m BONGO. I suppose that is obvious.

    I’ve read this before. I may even have commented before. I liked it before. I’m not commenting directly on this piece again. Instead, I’m going to mention that you can set comments to be approved automatically if a person has already commented. This allows more conversational type commenting. Just like in the old neighbourhood.

    Also, check out the ‘my comments’ tab in ‘my dashboard’ for the joys of friendly stalking.

    Of course, maybe you know all that already.

    I’m pretending that I’m helpful.

  5. thelittlefluffycat on said:

    Memo to self–investigate alternative words for “cat” in tags. 😉 Welcome to my favorite wicked old broad!

  6. jojovtx1800 on said:

    Ha! I did find you, you sexy thing you, beauty is in the mind after all. I might just get the hang of this place yet.

  7. Oh, by the way… “the dildo store”???

  8. In my neighbourhood, the dildo store is on the other side of the local bar from the pet food store. You have to cross the road to get to the grocery store. Once you’re there, you can cross another road to get to the bubble-tea serving internet cafe.

  9. supercrone on said:

    I must admit, I haven’t visited the actual three-dimensional dildo store down the road. I did my rabbit shopping on the internet, although if I had seen the “Erotic Toys” infomercial beforehand, I would have ordered it from them. I’d love to have engaged their “knowledgeable, friendly all-female representatives” in an in-depth (!) conversation anent their products. I mean, who wouldn’t?

  10. tigereye on said:

    The dildo store in my town used to have an inflatable woman tied to a sign in the parking lot, bobbing in the breeze. When the wind was right she actually bobbed up and down, and I’ve always wondered if the sales for the day went up (!) accordingly.

  11. jojovtx1800 on said:

    I like that older lady from Canada I think-Sue Johansson- I believe. She sells dildos and sex aids while giving out advice, it comes on late nite on the satellite. What a hoot! Way better than Dr Ruth.

  12. supercrone on said:

    She’s on every Saturday night on Oxygen…I used to watch her regularly until she started to become repetitive. She’s an RN, very up on STD’s causes cures and symptoms. And she’ll slip a condom on a banana at the drop of a question.

  13. Yeah. Sue is good but I found that she just doing a rehash of stuff that was covered in sex-ed in elementary and junior high school. I didn’t know she was selling stuff now.

    There was a show — maybe 15 years ago — called SexTV made by a local Toronto station that was really interesting. It talked about a great range of different sorts of things: cultural stuff, various sorts of toys, transgendered stuff.

  14. Supercrone!

  15. love your post!! hope you don’t mind that i put a link on this sex discussion site…http://sexinthepublicsquare.org/bookreview/Prime#comment-863

    please feel free to join in!!!

    what are you asking santa to bring you for christmas!?!?

  16. supercrone on said:

    I just want Santa to come.

  17. trees143 on said:

    That last comment made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately I was drinking water at the time.

  18. Wanda Rizzuto on said:

    Oh hey, here you are!

    I remember a similar post you put on that other place, but not this one. What else have I been missing out on, I wonder?

    BTW, who’s Wendy?

  19. womenetcetera on said:

    You are my hero, giving me reason to carry on and an impetous to “get it: while I can. Hell with those kids who think they know it all…..we know just can’t always find it!

  20. I read this before and I loved it again this time.

    I’m really pleased to get tips about this place from the likes of Bon…er…Bobby.

    If anyone wants to call me Ina, it’s okay. I’m having an identity crisis.

  21. But of course Suzy! This is exactly the sort of topic that bears repeating.

    Hmm. Hints?

    You can make your name clickable by setting your webpage (at the lower right) in the ‘my profile’ page.

  22. That is a helpful hint. Now what’s all this about RSS?

  23. Ah, a clickable name.

  24. Ivy (and anyone else who might care): RSS stands for “Really Simply Syndication” (or something like that).

    Go to reader.google.com and sign in (or create a google account if you don’t already have one). You can add subscriptions to blogs and the comments on blogs. You don’t have to visit a blog to see if something new has appeared. You just go to your reader and check for all your new things at once.

    You can use another reader. I use google reader sometimes but lately I’ve been using the ‘Blog Surfer’ and ‘my comments’ on WordPress which has the disadvantage of keeping me just on this site but the advantage of not having a long time delay between when posts are posted and when they become visible to me.

  25. Thanks Bobby Goat GRUFF!
    I spent far too long getting the RSS button up this morning and I don’t know how it works. My fickle Blog Surfer isn’t showing all of my blogroll’s work all of the time. I will try the google reader.

  26. pmousse on said:

    Loved this post… you are way cool.

  27. I’m so glad you’re here at logos-smashed.

    And by the way, I would so totally do you. I don’t know if I would count as a prime specimen, but at least I’m in your preferred age range.

  28. supercrone on said:

    David! I’m flattered beyond repair that you would actually consider doing me. Is midnight behind the gazebo good for you? You bring the wine, I’ll bring the bong. I’m panting at the prospect of depantsing my favorite neurotic.

  29. Pingback: But will Medicare pay for lube? « Sex in the Public Square

  30. La Bellota on said:

    Opioid. Can I weigh in almost 5 years later? I actually have a question. So….I am 42. My contemporaries (?) Say….slow down. Sex isn’t everything and I should wait until the moment is right. What is wrong with safely making the moment right? I am trying to gather my “posies” where I may while I can gather them. Btw. I do have a suicide pact that you may like. I have an agreement that when decrepitness offends me too much….that an old friend will come and break my hips in the way they ought to be broken. I sould put it in my medical poa to be safe.

    • supercrone on said:

      Hi Bell…
      Sorry to have taken so long to respond. Trying to update my work and find a new generation of readers has been exhausting and totally time-consuming. But I’ve done all that I can do and now it’s all in the hands and e-readers of friends and fans. Like you, for instance.
      So anyhow, to answer your question: Of course there’s no reason to stop lusting for lust, regardless of age or state of decrepitude. Although it’s been some time since I’ve had a battery-free instrument in or around my lady-parts, I freely admit to keeping my BOB at the ready and close at hand at all times. I sincerely believe that an orgasm a day (or at least a couple a week) keep both mind and body limber, attentive and happy.
      I envy your suicide pact. My dearest wish is to die with a hard body on top of me, coming and going simultaneously. Unfortunately, there are precious few young men who have the balls (ahem) to fuck an old lady to death, regardless of her posthumous gratitude.
      Thanks for the question. Keep ’em coming, I always say.

  31. La Bellota on said:

    Stoopid autocorrect. Though sex is my opioid of choice.

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